Natural Difference Part Three

Sometime men and women can get something stuck in their head that has nothing to do with reality.  This happens when we assume the motives for some action.  I am reminded of the story of the women whose husband was distant.  He barely responded to her conversation.  She thought the worst and her imagination went wild.  She felt as if he did not love her any more.  All the time he was thinking, ‘lawn mower won’t start-can’t figure out why!’  He may also make assumptions about why his wife behaves one way or another.  It is better to ask.  She could ask why you are so distant.  He could ask, have I done something wrong.  If she says, “Nothing is wrong”, you know you are in trouble.

Men communicating with another man is different that a woman communicating with other women.  I have heard it said that, “People listen to others so they can have their turn to talk.”  I think this is true for men but I am not sure about women.  Of course this is not true listening.   

Women seem to be able to follow more than one conversation at a time.  It seems that it is also acceptable for all to talk at the same time.  A man can follow one conversation at a time, which is why you will never hear two men talking at the same time unless they are arguing.  A man considers it rude to be interrupted.  Women do not think of it as interrupting, just communicating.

It also appears that in some women/women conversations there are assumptions of the motives another woman may have.  Perhaps these ulterior motives are real and are understood by women.  Women that have these perceptions may also assume men have them as well.  The men that I associate with do not have ulterior motives and don’t play games.  Our motives are direct motives:  food, work, play, sex, and sleep (not necessarily in any order).  We are just that simple.  That’s it.

“Live Well!’

Natural Difference Part Two

Ladies, here is a secret.  Your man wants to please you and many the things he is doing now is an attempt to that endeavor.  And he actually thinks the thing he is doing is what you want which is why he shakes his head when he finds you displeased. 

Now, just so you know, because you ask will not always make it happen at the moment you anticipate.  But at least now he knows and it is on his list.  Remember the linear thing.  There is actually a list in his head and your request has just been put in his “proper” order.  By the way, when you are talking and he does not seem to be listening, he is going over his list or solving some other problem on the list.  Of course the other possibility is that he is in la la land.  Failure to place the proper time value on your request does not mean he does not value you.  What you may perceive is that he is operating off of the wrong list.  He may also reserve the right to establish boundaries for your request just as you do.

Here is one other helpful hint.  I know what ever is on your mind has been there cooking for some given time and you want to discuss it.  The smart thing is to pick your time.  The words a man never wants to hear are “I have something I want to talk about”.  We think, oh no, what’s wrong.  Of course you have to say this but pick your time.  If your man is tired you will probably not get the best response.  Men should do the same.  Show each other the courtesy of perhaps picking or asking for a favorable time for a talk.  Never pick a mealtime, as it is bad for digestion.  Also, I personally strive to avoid addressing anything when I am angry.  You can say the same words but the reception is entirely different. 

Stay tuned for Part 3

“Live Well!"

Natural Difference-Part One

I recently heard a women comment on all the relationship articles in magazines.  “They are all written by women; men just don’t care.”  Well here is one written by a man.

Anyone that is in or has been in a relationship knows the difficulties in male/female communication.  How many women would say, “Our problem is that we don’t communicate!”  We do communicate but not in the same way.  After having the experience of my own relationships and hormone consultations with hundreds of women I have learned a few things.  I am not female so I can never completely understand a female perspective. Just to be politically correct these are generalizations.   I think a woman communicates with a man in the same way she would communicate with another female, and vice versa. 

Women want to be understood and may expect their man to just know what they want.  I have actually heard them say, “He should just know what I want.”  Your man will never know unless you clearly tell him.  Men are linear and go from point A to point B.  That’s it.  This may be as difficult for a woman to understand as it is for men to truly understand women.

My friend’s wife would tell her husband, “You are not hearing what I am saying.”  He could repeat her comments but did not look at her when she spoke.  In his mind, repeating back her comments IS listening.  He thinks he is doing what she has asked.  She wanted him to look at her when she was talking.  That way she would feel he was engaged in what she was saying which makes her feel heard.  She did not actually ask him to look at her.  To a woman this “should” be understood but not to a man.  If the man is not fully engaged in the discussion, then she is wondering if he really cares.  She may/will wonder if what he is doing or looking at is more important than her!  This is a perfect example of telling your man exactly what you want.  Keep it simple and direct.  “I want you to look at me when I am talking to you.”  That is the way men communicate.   

Stay tuned for Part Two

Dare I say “Stay Well!’?